Our Journey To Baby

February 2018, we’re back at it again. We began the appointments for the 4 th IUI, and I’m reminded of how nice it was to have a break, how much is was needed, and how good it was for the both of us to just have some time away from all of it. Because of our new-found strength and positive mindset, we went into this one with a different outlook. We felt good about this one. We felt good about all of them, but this one was different, this time we had some insight that “everything will be alright” so we held on tight to that promise.   We kept telling ourselves this one would work, that we would get pregnant this time. I felt like I knew when my appointments would be, and how things would go. I’d done 3 other IUIs and had been to the doctor 100 times at this point, so I kind of had a good idea, of when they would be. So I thought. Throughout this process the doctors would take note of how my body reacts to the medicines and would tweak things a bit each time to help increase th...

We ended yet another year empty handed, wondering and waiting when our time to become parents would come. But, instead of feeling defeated or depressed, we’re hopeful! Hope has become our life raft, and we are hanging on tight. To be able to end 2017 leaving all the negative feelings, stress, worry, doubt and depression behind, and start 2018 full of hope, was a great way to start the new year!                                      We both agreed we would take January and February “off”. We had planned a trip for late January, early February and it happen to fall during the time we would be scheduling our next round of appointments. So, we decided we would pick back up a few weeks after we got back.  After hearing Him say that “everything would be alright” we were ready to run with it a...

Throughout this process, I talked to God…a lot. I’ve learned that I’m not much of a prayer, I’m more of a conversationalist. Prayer to me seems like something that is done in a certain way, and at certain times. You’re supposed to close your eyes, hold hands, and pray, at church, before you eat, before bed. Prayer starts with Dear Lord, like your writing a pen pal. I’d rather talk to God like he’s a friend. To me, having a conversation with God seems less formal, less stuffy. He would still hear me, and understand me the same way right? So why not?!   I had a lot of unanswered questions, and I didn’t know why over the last year and a half God hadn’t answered them. I would talk to Him and ask that He point us in the right direction, to lead us to the right path. I often ask that if we aren’t supposed to carry our own child, to let us know, to give us a sign. Maybe we are meant to be parents to a child that isn’t created by Brad and me. Maybe we are meant to love a child t...

December 2017, we begin yet another IUI. Since we didn’t get to do the last one, we still had three more we could do before having to move to IVF. This one started out rocky and I was hoping it wouldn’t be that way the whole time.  My nurse called after the first appointment and told me to go ahead and start taking one of the medications that night. I open the bottle of that medication and realized it was empty. Let me tell you, this entire process is so emotional and the littlest thing can bring on the tears. I’m panicking, sweating, anxious and trying not to cry as I drive to CVS during rush hour, which does allow for more time for me to pray they have the medication. A 15-minute drive took what felt like 15 hours. I get there and tell them what prescription I need to pick up and, I’m in luck! They have it! To be able to do this IUI, I needed that medication, and I needed to start taking it that night. Relief, hope, excitement, those feelings began to replace my panic and a...

November 2017, we started yet another IUI, IUI #3. This time the doctor wanted to change the amount of fertility medication I was taking. If it meant our chances of having a child increased, we were so up for it! So, the pills, the blood work, the appointments, it all started once again. Everything looked good! Even I noticed the difference in the size of the follicles on the sonogram! I was excited! I remember calling my husband after an appointment telling him “this is it! I feel good about this one, it’s going to work!” The day before the IUI was scheduled, I went in to once again check the progress to make sure we were at that perfect window for the IUI to be completed. The follicles were huge, and there were a lot more of them than the last two times! I was excited! This was going to be it!! We were then faced with something we hadn’t yet been faced with. The doctor called that afternoon, and had a very frank conversation with me about what could potentially happen shoul...

October was one of the toughest months of my life, but then came November and December, which were unbelievably tough, mentally and emotionally. I sunk into a deep depression, a depression like I’d never felt before. I knew my husband was super busy, I knew my friends had their own things going on in their lives, and I knew my family would worry even more, so I kept everything to myself. This type of depression wasn't something I was used to. I had no idea how to manage theses feelings, so, I tried to deal with them on my own, by keeping everything bottled in. I knew that wasn't the best way to handle these new feelings but that's what I decided to do. The negative feelings quickly took over my body, my thoughts, my personality, my attitude. I was angry, bitter, and agitated, at everything, and everyone. Things that used to not bother me at all, started to get under my skin. I started to dislike people with kids because I wanted so desperately what they had. My recent...