Skip to main content

The darkest days cont.


October was one of the toughest months of my life, but then came November and December, which were unbelievably tough, mentally and emotionally. I sunk into a deep depression, a depression like I’d never felt before. I knew my husband was super busy, I knew my friends had their own things going on in their lives, and I knew my family would worry even more, so I kept everything to myself.

This type of depression wasn't something I was used to. I had no idea how to manage theses feelings, so, I tried to deal with them on my own, by keeping everything bottled in. I knew that wasn't the best way to handle these new feelings but that's what I decided to do. The negative feelings quickly took over my body, my thoughts, my personality, my attitude. I was angry, bitter, and agitated, at everything, and everyone. Things that used to not bother me at all, started to get under my skin. I started to dislike people with kids because I wanted so desperately what they had. My recent negative thoughts and emotions, my outlook on our fertility journey, made a world that was already closing in on me, close in even quicker.  

There was so much that had piled on so quickly, I didn’t know how much more I could take. It felt like I was barely hanging on. Like I was constantly gasping for air. Treading water, trying not to drown. There wasn’t a light at the end of the dark narrow tunnel that had become my life.  Forcing myself to appear “happy” around others, while feeling the way I did was so difficult and so very exhausting. 

It felt like everything I’d kept bottled up started to take over me. I could feel the tension in my body, the knots in my shoulders, the negative thoughts that consumed me, I could feel the weight of it all and I couldn’t take it anymore. As we were getting into bed one night, it all erupted. I had a mental breakdown. After a few hours of sobbing, and not being able to speak, I finally told my husband everything I’d been feeling. I knew it wasn’t healthy physically, emotionally, or mentally to keep it all bottled in. I wasn’t sure how I would get myself out of this depression, how I would turn it all around, or when I would somehow finally see a light at the end. I'm an overall positive person, and even with me trying my best to be positive and find the sliver lining in everything, it was no match for the negativity that had overcome me. 

I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue feeling this way if something didn’t change. Something good, something positive, an answer, something. I needed something, anything to change the way I was feeling.

Popular posts from this blog

The results are in

The two weeks between the IUI and the bloodwork pregnancy test feels like it lasts forever, time just seems to drag. I found an article that talks about the stages you go through during these two weeks, and it’s is spot on! I couldn’t have described it any better! During that two-week period, we found out that 2 of our friends were pregnant, and it felt like God had become Oprah. With His arms stretched out pointing and screaming “you get a baby, you get a baby” meanwhile I was sitting on my couch watching all this unfold, watching everyone else get their amazing gifts. I was so incredibly happy for them, but on the inside I was devastated, I wanted so badly what they were getting.     It’s Sunday! Finally, it’s the week we find out if the last IUI worked! Only a few more days to wait!! We just had to make it to Wednesday! We had to wait until Wednesday for the blood test results. Every night during those 2 weeks, I’d go to bed and tell myself, ok, when I wake up tomorr...
Read more

Break's over

February 2018, we’re back at it again. We began the appointments for the 4 th IUI, and I’m reminded of how nice it was to have a break, how much is was needed, and how good it was for the both of us to just have some time away from all of it. Because of our new-found strength and positive mindset, we went into this one with a different outlook. We felt good about this one. We felt good about all of them, but this one was different, this time we had some insight that “everything will be alright” so we held on tight to that promise.   We kept telling ourselves this one would work, that we would get pregnant this time. I felt like I knew when my appointments would be, and how things would go. I’d done 3 other IUIs and had been to the doctor 100 times at this point, so I kind of had a good idea, of when they would be. So I thought. Throughout this process the doctors would take note of how my body reacts to the medicines and would tweak things a bit each time to help increase th...
Read more