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A new outlook


Throughout this process, I talked to God…a lot. I’ve learned that I’m not much of a prayer, I’m more of a conversationalist. Prayer to me seems like something that is done in a certain way, and at certain times. You’re supposed to close your eyes, hold hands, and pray, at church, before you eat, before bed. Prayer starts with Dear Lord, like your writing a pen pal. I’d rather talk to God like he’s a friend. To me, having a conversation with God seems less formal, less stuffy. He would still hear me, and understand me the same way right? So why not?!  

I had a lot of unanswered questions, and I didn’t know why over the last year and a half God hadn’t answered them. I would talk to Him and ask that He point us in the right direction, to lead us to the right path. I often ask that if we aren’t supposed to carry our own child, to let us know, to give us a sign. Maybe we are meant to be parents to a child that isn’t created by Brad and me. Maybe we are meant to love a child that otherwise wouldn’t have known what love is. And if that’s our path, we are so ready to be parents to that child!

We found out my in-laws were planning a trip to NYC a few weeks before Christmas and so, we decided to tag along! I’ve wanted for so long to go to NYC at Christmas and see Rockefeller plaza! New York at Christmas is unbelievably beautiful and will turn any scrooge into a fan of Christmas!

                                         


On our flight back home, I decided to open the shade of the window and look out. Something I never do. The thought of having metal, luggage, and thousands of feet of nothing between me and the ground freaks me out, so I never open the shade to see how high we are.

But, for some reason, I decided to open it, and look out. It was beautiful! We were above the clouds, the sun was shining and so, I began a conversation with God. I thought, well, I’m closer to him physically, so maybe he’ll hear me clearer! Again, I was asking Him for something. A sign, a voice, a feeling, just anything. After being so incredibly depressed for months, I needed some sort of reassurance, direction, guidance, something. Anything.

And just like that, it was like He was in the seat beside me. “You will be ok, everything will be alright.” Tears. I began to get emotional, trying hard to keep it in so I didn't attract the attention from people around me! I’d never heard Him speak before. I knew others had, I knew it was possible. I had feelings before about things I’d prayed about, but never actually heard Him speak. It was the softest yet, strongest and loudest voice I'd ever heard. Maybe I was listening extra hard, maybe I was ready to hear something, or maybe He was tired of me asking! I’m not sure what it was, but I was blown away! 

We finally had something! It wasn’t an answer to what path we should be taking, it wasn’t an answer to why, it wasn’t an answer to when or how we would be having a child. But, it was God, and he was speaking to me! That was it, and it was good enough for me!

December 15, 2017, looking out that tiny window, my outlook on this journey completely changed. I was no longer angry, bitter, or agitated. It was like I had taken an emotional shower and those negative feelings had just washed away, just like that. Just that easy. I couldn’t explain it, but my goodness, I was so thankful for it. Everything was different after that. My body felt different, my mind felt different, I had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. And it wasn’t a little light, it was the sun, and there was no tunnel in sight! There was no more darkness, my world was no longer crumbling, I no longer felt claustrophobic in my own life.

Everything changed with just 8 words. “You will be ok, everything will be alright.”

After months of extreme darkness, I am so thankful that He spoke to me. I needed that comfort, guidance, whatever you want to call it, I needed it more than anything, and I think God knew that. Months later, I’m still on a high from hearing those words, and I still get emotional thinking about that day! The day that changed me and my outlook.

If you don’t think God exists, you are sorely mistaken. His hand has been and continues to be in all of this, the good, the bad, the ugly, it’s all His doing. This is the path He set before us. He’s writing our story, and our story isn’t over!


“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I, have overcome the world.” – John 16:33


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