January 2017, the fertility testing began. The needles, the blood
work, the poking and prodding, the doctor appointments. Surly, after months of
testing we would have answers, but we didn’t. It's hard coming to the realization that something might be "wrong". I didn’t understand why my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to.
I’m a woman, I'm supposed to carry children, why wasn't that happening?
For anyone going through a similar situation, you know what it’s
like going to the fertility doctor 2, 3, 4 times a week. Not only is it
exhausting, but it feels like you’re a part of some weird underground, black market. The fertility office is tucked away into a corner of an office building, no one makes eye contact, everyone's heads are down and no one speaks, yet, you know you’re all there for the same reason. After a while, you start to
recognize faces, and hope that something works for them, because, if it works
for them, it’s got to work for us. Right??
We were again, leaving an appointment with no answers. We hugged when we were leaving and I started to bawl. I didn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant. People can get almost anything they want at any time, you just go to the store or order it and it's yours. You want shoes, or clothes, jewelry, whatever you want, you can go get. We wanted a child so bad, and a child isn't something you can just go get. Why was it so hard for us and so easy for others? Do we not want it bad enough? We have it way more together than some people and they have multiple children. I didn't understand.
We were again, leaving an appointment with no answers. We hugged when we were leaving and I started to bawl. I didn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant. People can get almost anything they want at any time, you just go to the store or order it and it's yours. You want shoes, or clothes, jewelry, whatever you want, you can go get. We wanted a child so bad, and a child isn't something you can just go get. Why was it so hard for us and so easy for others? Do we not want it bad enough? We have it way more together than some people and they have multiple children. I didn't understand.
Finally, after 7 months of testing, we have an answer, unexplained infertility. Doesn’t exactly answer anything. It especially doesn't answer why. Why, us?
Why, after a year of trying there’s no clear answer? Why, are we
having to wait for something we want so badly? Why, is God testing us? Why,
after a year of appointments and testing this, this, is our answer, which isn’t
even an answer at all.
We met with our fertility doctor and had a conversation about what
our options were. We had a few days to digest all the information and decide on what “path”
we wanted to take. We were presented with two options, IUI or IVF. After weighing the cost, time, process, etc. we decided to move
forward with the IUI. We were told we could do 6 IUIs before doing IVF. This
was exciting!! We had a plan!! We were finally going to get pregnant!!
To get to the small window of perfect timing to do the IUI, I was
once again back at the doctor 2 to 4 times a week, tracking. Blood work and
sonograms multiple times per week, until the time was right to do the IUI. I would sit in the room, looking at the sonogram listening to the nurse
count and measure the follicles on my ovaries. At one of those appointments, I
thought to myself, one day, I’ll be in a room like this, looking at our child on that screen, listening to their heartbeat! What a great day that will be! And through
it all, a smile appears on my face.
August 2017, we start the process for the IUI. These details are some serious
TMI, so I will leave some of them out. There are pills that must be
swallowed and inserted, not to mention, my husband has to give me a shot in the stomach before
the actual IUI. The pills and shot are to help prepare the eggs, and the body for
what’s to come. To help prepare my body to be a home for our child.
Don’t parent’s say, “you’ll do anything for your child”? I guess
they are right, even if it’s for the child you’re hoping for!